I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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