I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
