I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.