I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
