I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
