Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Rumble strips road head = magical
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Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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