Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
