You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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