Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
