My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
