Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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