she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
