my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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