How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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