I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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