the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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