WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
