how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What a dumb baby whore.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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