I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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