On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
