youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
