Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
