No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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