I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
