I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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