Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
