she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
