Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
