so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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