the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
