I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
