Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
