i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
