You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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