I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
