We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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