I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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