Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
