I'm pants shitting drunk right now
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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