I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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