I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
