1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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