you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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