I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
