i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
