my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
