the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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