I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bring me that man meat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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