so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
