Sober January is a disaster.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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