I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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