when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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