I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
false alarm. still invincible.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
