Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
