I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
