She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
