i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
