I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
