whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
