Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
