The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
