I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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