He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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